The Muses of Slash
by Lady Alyssa
Summary: Not really mythology, per se, more of a modern updating for the nine muses.


The Muses of Slash  
  
Sing Muses, of the time when upon Mount Olympus it came to pass that all of the race of man had become dulled and base, and had not the time for literature or high art, for they had seen `Buffy' and had left the path of wisdom.  
  
Great goddess Athena, the wise and fair, was vexed sorely by this and did in her divine melancholy take from the world of men a computer and an Internet connection. She searched this device for wisdom and good counsel, yet could find naught but porn. This virgin goddess was troubled, yet intrigued, and her wanderings did bring her unto the world of Slash.  
  
And Lo! From the corners of Olympus did gather the nine Muses, most desirous of knowledge of this Slash, for they had been forsaken, left by mortal men for the insubstantial pleasures of `Point Horror' and Westlife. And these nine Muses saw the world of men still did need them, for such art to take flight upon the viewless wings of poesy their divine aid was sorely missed. Yet these nine must new forms take up, for the world of men had changed much, much had been lost and much had become base.  
  
Calliope the "Fair Voiced", eldest of the nine, did in ages past inspire Homer to sing of the strength of Achilles and the wanderings of Odysseus, epic tales of heroes and gods. Now she did take upon her divinity to inspire those who would not use 400 words when 40,000 would do. For she did remember the epic tales of old, and smiled upon those who took an eternity such as she herself had witnessed, to bring their heroes unto a chaste kiss.  
  
Clio the "Proclaimer", she who inspired Thucydides and Herodotus in their tales of brave deeds of ages past, the history of men, did tell the tales of pre-slash. She looked upon stories where the hero discovered to his joy, that his gardener, workmate, or Padawan was an Adonis among men, most beauteous, and looked not kindly upon the attentions of maids, (even though not a week before he had been a-courting 5 women), and sought pleasure as Zeus did with Ganymede.  
  
Polyhymnia, "She of Many Hymns," once muse of Sacred Poetry now brings us tales of first time love. Handmaiden to Clio, she weaves the threads of pre-slash spun by gracious Clio into glorious cloths, deeds of innocent love, of newfound love, of first love with surprisingly precocious sexual knowledge. Oft do her stories have inventive use of soft fruit.  
  
Erato the "Lovely" she who gave to the world love poetry and mimicry sings tales of Fluff, sugary tales inspiring nausea in the race of men. For in these tales the heroes do care nought for the fact they are being pursued by orcs, or are fighting a mighty battle with lightsabres, or are about to be consuméd by the dread Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, for they desire to say `I wuv oo' to each other, with much giving of flowers and sloppy kissing.  
  
Euterpe the "Giver of Pleasure", muse of music, carrier of the flute stirs the thoughts towards `Plot? What Plot?', the lewdest of the Muses, Aphrodite's favoured one, singer of all consuming lust. Her poets write of carnal desires, with no need for plot, nor reasoning, nor lubrication. (Author note; to quote the film `Evolution' - "There's no time for lubrication!" "There's ALWAYS time for lubrication!")  
  
Melpomene the "Songstress" moved Euripides to write his tragic tales of woe, now is patroness of tales of Angst. Tales of sorrow and denied love, where all are struck by evil, where love is run over by a donkey cart, or are cast asunder by the Jedi Council.  
  
Terpsichore the "Whirler" muse of dancing sings of the dances of Multiple pairings, when the heroes do say "Wherefore are there but two when there is room for six, though, alas, we must be atop each other..." They do forsake all vows of faithfulness for sport with others.  
  
Thalia the "Flourishing" inspirer of the comedies of Aristophanes, carries the tales of parody, wherein all do cavort most lewdly, in the most inappropriate places, and covet to be ironic in their filth. Daily, as rosy-fingered dawn Thalia makes many wake up gay.  
  
Urania the "Heavenly", muse of [1]astronomy, stargazer, took her skills to the tales of Unresolved Sexual Tension. Heroes under this goddess' patronage look to the stars and desire the fulfilment of their wishes, or look to their gardener or Padawan and do desire their gardener or Padawan.  
  
The Olympian gods looked upon the nine Muses reborn and cackling into the ways of Slash and were glad. Alas! All was not to be! Aphrodite fell to the ground, and held her radiant head, for pain wracked her body. Her skull cracked open and out sprang, full-formed a new, dreadful muse, Night to the others Day. The gods looked upon her in horror as she spake: "I am Stacey, Muse of Mary Sues. Look on my works ye mighty and despair!"  
  
References  
  
1. http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/GreekScience/Students/Ellen/EarlyGkAstronomy.html 


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